"How to talk to cats with clarity and efficiency."

These days, many people are probably wondering; with recent advances in technology and refrigeration could communication with our feline counterparts finally become a reality? Unfortunately for the tech industry, talking with cats is already possible and has in-fact been around for thousands of years.
So how does one get THE POWER, THE POWER, which will allow a person to effectively communicate with cats? In this exposť I will explain everything you need to know in simple, down to earth, straight-forward talk, no messing around, no nonsense, right to the point, type discord. Read on Acolyte, if you seek to learn the ancient Euclidian cat mysteries.
a typical cat
Before you learn the basics of cat speech, you should also become familiar with the risks involved. Talking with cats is not for the faint of heart nor ear. It has taken me many years to develop these strategies, and at great personal expense. Keep in mind that you may not be prepared for what cats actually have to say to you. I take no personal responsibility for what may become of you, should you apply these practices. So do so at your own volition.

First to mention is that cats can be disease-ridden and many probably are. Chances are if youíve seen a cat then it probably carried some sort of disease. One could almost say, if youíve seen a cat, youíve seen a disease, literally a walking, mewing, biological weapon factory, with claws and sharp teeth and pointy ears. From a biological standpoint, itís as if these creatures were made to harbor disease. This might sound a little extreme, but itís not. Remember the war on terror? I wonder if the WMD inspectors checked to see if Saddam Hussein had a secret army of cats? It would certainly make for an efficient and cost affective weapon. Experts estimate that it would take only a couple of anthrax covered cats set loose on the underground to effectively destroy the entire London tube system, and only in a matter of hours. Certainly food for thought.

But back to the problem; so how do we communicate with cats?
In order to communicate with any given cat one must first approach the cat. When approaching a cat always proceed with extreme caution. Even the slightest movement or facial expression might trigger an intense negative reaction, which would in turn lead to even bigger explosion of uncontrollable rage in the animal. Cats are always on the brink of an outburst of their inner ďprimal furyĒ.
Primal fury
This ďprimal furyĒ is a natural force, which lies dormant, and always, just below the surface of even the most placid of these animals.
Itís a fury of such unimaginable proportions that once provoked, it can never be fully extinguished, at least not though any ordinary means. Even a seemingly placid feline is potentially a seething cauldron of hate and anger, ready to explode at the slightest ďperceivedĒ provocation. Also the average cat is basically a psychopath. Why would you even want to talk to one of these creatures? Despite my wisdom and mastery of kung-fu, I canít even come up with an answer to that, but obviously your readying this article so I will continue.

As I have already mentioned, approaching a cat is a highly risky business. But not just for the obvious danger of a direct pouncing attack, which is terrifying in itís own right. No, thereís an even greater risk, that of a psychic attack. If used against you, this form of attack could tear apart the very fabric of your being (and hence your soul). Some people claim to have witnessed such psychic abilities displayed by felines, and there is some supporting evidence from antiquity, namely from the Egyptians. But for my part I have absolutely no doubt as to the essentially unlimited evil that these creatures are capable of, and capable of directing towards mankind.

Even more sinister and lethal than their psychic powers, is the threat posed by deadly spores and other microbes which cats are habitually known to emit. Toxoplasmosis is one such disease. Annually, It kills many babies and unborn fetuses. The media never covers this issue, thatís because pet food companies virtually control them and they rely on the uninterrupted supply of surplus fetuses for their daily operation. Toxoplasmosis can also cause a regular human adult to perform very dangerous activities, such as bad driving. These basic facts are basically the facts, and are already well known to the scientific community.

So how do cats poison us, regularly, willingly, and without our consent? With their various infectious agents, thatís how. There are many vectors for disease transmission used by cats. The air we breathe is a primary means. Air can carry tiny fur particles; a veritable airborne squadron, commanded with malice to target our lungs and irritate our eyes. These fur particles are usually coated in a deadly mixture of harmful microbes and diseases. Cats place these contaminants on their fur by periodically applying infectious saliva. The hairs themselves, after entering the lungs, become lodged and have a similar effect as asbestos.
this cat might be a psychic
Furballs, which are placed at strategic intervals, will naturally, cause an individual to slip over when stepped upon, possibly resulting in the loss of an eye(or worse) on the corner of a table or other sharp object. If a person is carrying scalding hot coffee or a jar of acid, it may well splash onto their face and melt their face off, or at the very least, permanently disfigure the individual so that they become the object of ridicule and disgust among society, not to mention making them sexually undesirable.

Furballs are particularly hazardous to the elderly, who already have balance issues from dementia and Parkinsonís disease (Ironically probably caused by cats in the first place) despite being aware of the dangers, many elderly people foolhardily continue to look-after cats, and they often pay dearly for their love, with death. And of course, cats are well known to smother babies.

There are many more terrifying and horrific diseases, which cats are likely to transmit to you, but Iíd be writing for weeks if I were to cover them all. All you really need to know is that they exist; they ARE out to get you, and the only thing that will prevent them from killing you is if you take all of the necessary precautions. Periodically wash your hands, and wear facial protective gear and clothing. Coat your entire body in clove oil and try to breath through your mouth as much as possible. If you stick to these steps with rigor and discipline then there is a high chance that on a good day you will reduce the risk by up to 23% anyway back to the topic of communication with these devil incarnates.

Communication is a relatively simple task; it essentially comes down to enacting these steps.

Start by mirroring the catís body language and copying exactly what itís doing, WITHIN REASON. Make eye contact. Now Listen. Now really listen. Do you hear what the cat is saying? Probably not, thatís because youíre not on the same wavelength. Try harder. Now try and actually get inside the cats brain. Picture yourself climbing around inside the catís brain, scrambling in-amongst itís cerebral juices. It should look a bit like in the movie ďBeing John MalkovichĒ Except that was a human brain and a catís brain is a significantly smaller space to get inside. Now you should be able to see yourself looking at the cat through the catís eyes, looking directly back at you.

Congratulations! You have successfully interfaced with the mind of a cat.
a strangely normal cat
Now that youíre in tune with the catís inner-vibrating-brain-radio-station you should be able to send out signals in the same tongue as the cat. To the passive observer it will probably sound like inarticulate nonsense, but to the cats ears it should be fairly intelligible. Keep going on like that and you should be able to keep up a fairly decent conversation with the cat, that is if the cat actually wants to speak with you. It may be disinterested and simply walk away. You might want to stick with conversation topics, which are likely to interest a cat, such as tuna or mousies. Also try not to patronize the cat with your manner of speaking. You will probably get further if you adopt an open-minded attitude, one that accepts the cat as an equal rather than an inferior.

Well, I hope you found this article informative and insightful. I wish you the very best in what will hopefully be the start of a long and productive career in ďcat whisperingĒ